In my dream last night, someone asked me where I’ve been. I have been wondering the same thing. I don’t yet have an answer for that as I’m finding my way back to something that is still in development. The me as I’ve always known her, is dying - the bones of her are still there, but the rest of her is burning away one hot flash at a time. Flashes of heat which wrap my body in violent flames, making sure they whip around every part of my being until I’m totally encased in an inferno where there is no escape. At first, this was such an agonizing process. Now, I have learned how to lean into it and not panic when it happens - I have learned how to just allow it to burn me down and I smile as another piece of the old me gets stripped from my being.
I’m 43 years old and I’m in menopause.
Let’s collectively gasp now. The unspoken has been brought to the table! We mustn’t talk about this incredible rite of passage, because it’s something that “old ladies” go through. Which is dead wrong. I think many women my age go through it, they just don’t want to talk about it publicly or admit to themselves that it’s time to let go.
When I first found out about it, I will admit that I was pretty upset. A few of my closest friends saw me in tears, witnessing my despair after learning that a phase of my life is over and that I’m being forced into a new one. I still feel so full of life and vigor! I too have this stigmatic view of menopause, always believing this was something that happens to women of a certain age. I never expected to be going through it this young. Confirmed through a hormone test ordered by my doctor, the news was delivered that every single one of my numbers are in menopause range.
The past few months I have withdrawn myself from certain situations & people, and I have grown quieter in response to this deep change. I am quiet because I am in reverence to this process, I am in awe of it. The same way that I hold a door open for a woman with all grey in her hair, is the same way that I respect my body in this moment. I don’t pity those women whatsoever, more-so, I bow in deep respect for the long and experienced life they have lived, for the wisdom they hold and carry with them everywhere they go. I look at the silver-haired elders and feel so lucky to be in their company - because of the collection of experiences they have acquired over the span of several decades, building a tower of knowledge within which is reflected in a quiet knowing on the outside. I bow in deep respect to that and want to ask many questions all the time. This is the way I feel about the change happening within me. Not that forty-three years is a long time to be on this earth, it’s certainly just the beginning. Rather, now I get to be that wise woman. Now I am no longer focused on the things that a woman in the spring-time is focused on. I a woman of the Autumn and Winter, changing and dying in ways that only other women in these seasons can know and understand. And this brings about healing on a deeper level than ever before. This has been a catalyst for understanding what has been buried beneath the surface for too long. Each time the flames consume me, it’s another round of memories coming up for air and then quickly incinerated into ash. As I move through this new phase, ash is piling up around my feet and growing thicker by the day, comforting me like a warm blanket. I will step out of it soon and clear it away in order to take the first step forward. For right now, I’m getting used to this new way of being and taking that first step feels vulnerable and raw. I’d like to think writing this is that baby step forward.
One thing I do know about this process, it’s stripping me raw which in turn is inspiring more honesty within myself and with my audience. Is it glamorous and fun to be in menopause? Not at all. But it’s the realest thing I’ve done aside from birthing two incredible boys on this earth. This change has been the most spiritual act I’ve ever pulled off - I’m so excited to see where it takes me over the years and what kind of woman I’m now turning out to be.
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